Valentino Khan Added To National Sex Offender List Because Of His “Pedophile Mustache”


In a stunning decision by the United States Supreme Court, Valentino Khan has been added to the National Sex Offender Registry for looking like a pedophile. After less than 10 minutes of deliberation, the nine Supreme Court Justices voted unanimously to add the DJ/producer to the registry. All the while, Khan didn’t even know he was facing such charges. With his busy touring schedule, and with no way for him to dispute the evidence anyway, the court purposely left Khan out of court proceedings, opting instead to display only his most unflattering pictures in the courtroom.

We spoke to John G. Roberts, Jr., Chief Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court, for his take on the case. “I don’t know who this Khan guy is, but his mustache disturbs me. The level of discomfort his facial hair brings to me is difficult to quantify, and I can only imagine the kind of psychological damage his appearance has on young, impressionable minds. Our decision today was made to protect the future for our youth, and we expect to begin indicting many more citizens for looking like pedophiles in the near future. Additionally, we were forced to listen to “Deep Down Low,” and it’s total horseshit, so that certainly impacted the way we voted as well.”

I caught up with Khan to discuss how the Supreme Court’s decision might impact his future in music, but he didn’t seem terribly concerned by the outcome. “Like you already know, no one told me that I was even facing these charges until a few days ago. In fact, I got the news while watching the flatscreen from my bathtub. As you can imagine, no amount of scented candles, foaming bubble bath, and fleshlights could bring me back to the right place mentally after receiving the news. I was originally pretty ticked off that I could be charged and convicted of a crime with absolutely no evidence against me, but then I realized I probably should have already been added to the registry after all of those ‘public urination’ tickets. They say any publicity is good publicity, and I might be able to ride this to another smash hit next year! My neighbors already know me from my wild house parties, so telling them all that I’m on the list will be no big deal.”

After sentencing, Khan received a letter notifying him that he wouldn’t be added to the registry if he shaved off his mustache within 30 days, but Khan told us, “I would rather die than shave this bad boy off. This is my signature look, and a true form of my artistic expression. Give me liberty or give me death, but you will never have my mustache.”

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Intoxicated Reporter

Intoxicated Reporter

Out-of-control and forever-drugged - reporting every event incorrectly with extreme diligence.

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