Tiësto Takes a Break From Music, Manufactures Toys for Adults Called ‘Tiëldos’

Tiesto

Tijs Michiel Verwest surprised all his critics, and absolutely none of his fans, by announcing today that he was taking a hiatus from music. As anyone who has been following the Dutch music producer/DJ since the 2000s is acutely aware, music has lost much of its lustre for Tiësto. What may come as a shock to many (except perhaps his ex) is that Tiësto has decided to devote his efforts to the manufacturing of dildos. Taking inspiration from his former music career, the Tiësto dildos or, “Tiëldos,” as they are to be known, are all designed around the themes of the albums released.

For instance, the “In My Memory” line is made of illegally obtained Ivory, and designed with a narrow tip and a broad opening so that the experience imitates the album itself, by gradually easing into a painful crescendo. The “Kaleidoscope” is perhaps the most ambitious model, made entirely out of extremely thin glass, flitting between shattering and reflecting a prismatic spectrum of colours.

In a rare interview, the former star revealed that orders for the “A Town Called Paradise” model might exceed demand. “I kept listening to the album as I designed it. I felt an overwhelming wave of hate and pent-up frustration. So, I decided it should be red naugahyde ribbed every other inch to match the undulating of the album. In fact, we plan to bundle it with the album so that people can sync the penetration of the pleasure weapon with the album.”

While this reporter has yet to see one of these mammoth music cocks, rest assured, the world is better for having them in it, as opposed to another forgettable album from the master of beep boop.

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Intoxicated Reporter

Intoxicated Reporter

Out-of-control and forever-drugged - reporting every event incorrectly with extreme diligence.