Man Injured at Tomorrowland, Says He Stabbed Himself When Steve Aoki Played Titanic Remix


EMTs in Belgium rushed to the site of the Tomorrowland festival this past weekend to attend to a concert-goer who had been stabbed. The inch-long head of a plastic fork was found buried in the chest of David Palmik. The police were called in to investigate what seemed like a harmless bit of stabbing in one of the most unnecessary electronic festivals in the world. On discovering that the victim had stabbed himself, they seemed at odds as to whether they should charge him with assault or not.

Asked why he did it, Palmik answered, “Weren’t you there? Didn’t you hear it?” I had to confess, I had not. As a person with two functional ears, attending Tomorrowland seemed a step below chewing on broken glass.

“Well, Aoki came on, you know, spent 15 minutes running around throwing livestock and gummy bears at people (it is important to note that these were not Haribo Gummy Bears, but some wretched duty free knock off), and so we all decided to down all our drugs at once, you know, to get through it.”

At this point, Palmik coughed for a prolonged length of time as neither the EMTs nor police had actually removed the offending fork from his chest cavity, as it meant they had to stay at the festival.

“Anyway, the drugs were kicking in, and it was really good. You know, maybe a bit too melodic and over the top, but the best Aoki has ever played. A few of us were dancing, most of us were just happy that it was so good.” He stopped to wipe the tears from his face, “and then someone started the rumour that this was a Celine Dion song, the Titanic one, and not an original, and that’s when… well, and then the drop came, and we all realised that he was going to play it, and I
just couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed the nearest thing, and just tried to make it stop.”

David Palmik died an hour after giving his statement. It wasn’t the fork that killed him, but the spaghetti that still clung onto it before he thrust it into his chest, infecting and killing him. Ultimately, his heart did not go on.

About the author

Intoxicated Reporter

Intoxicated Reporter

Out-of-control and forever-drugged - reporting every event incorrectly with extreme diligence.

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