Man at UMF Jumps Too High, Reaches Exosphere


In what appears to be a massive win for both science and the music industry, a man at Ultra Music Festival jumped so high that he reached the exosphere. According to eyewitnesses, the over-enthusiastic man appeared to be on a different level even before the concert started. Some say that his earthy, skunky stench clearly indicated what was already going on in his head.

According to other attendees, things started heating up when Hardwell played “Apollo” for the 4th time. “This was when the boy started really feeling it,” said one festival attendee. “From his fucked up, exasperated face, it looked as if he would explode, but when Hardwell shouted, “Put your hands up!” that’s when he jumped and started to float away. Some people just don’t know where to stop.”

According to several top scientists and NASA advisors, this bizarre occurrence was a result of Redbull, weed, and Hardwell’s “festival bangers.” Several studies have been conducted to try to duplicate these results, but researchers have yet to find someone capable of getting fucked up enough to float.

Hardwell is now the highest paid DJ in the world, proclaimed as the only producer whose music can ‘give you a good high’. Fans are really going to be pissed off when they realise how much time they wasted listening to his shitty music just to try to get to space.

About the author

The Artist Summoner

The Artist Summoner

Curating feelings from music, and filling up the court room, one artist at a time.

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