In a news cycle fraught with horror stories involving Pokémon GO, Carnage’s story takes the cake for dumbest. With predictable Carnage flare, the bowling ball of a DJ bolted from the DJ booth to stage dive in a futile attempt to catch a wild Pikachu.
Bored and trying to pass the time during a show this past weekend in a Miami nightclub, Carnage was so caught up in his game of Pokémon GO that he launched himself head first into the crowd after a Pikachu on the loose. Setting a new standard for stupid, Carnage’s reckless stunt nearly left casualties.
One clubgoer who wishes to remain unnamed approached us to give us his recap, “I don’t know what was wrong with him. I mean, Chipotle Gang Miami was out in full effect – everyone using bath salts and shit – and the Chipotle king wasn’t having none of it. He just pressed play and started playing games on his phone. We all knew it was Pokémon GO because of the way he was swiping at the phone, and he didn’t even seem to notice when we started booing him. Then, like he was possessed or something, Carnage just knocked the DJ setup to the side, took three huge steps toward the edge of the stage, and hurled himself toward the middle of the crowd. It was all mayhem and screaming after that.”
We also caught up with a critically injured man who was brave enough to speak with us, “I blacked out after he landed on me, but all I remember was the man flying at me being fat enough to block out the sun… I thought my life was over, and I hadn’t even had a chance to say goodbye to my dog. You can imagine the relief I felt when his weight only broke my neck and both femurs. That Chipotle-eating asshole needs to be more careful when he’s playing Pokémon GO!”
Seemingly oblivious to the near consequences of his asinine act, Carnage was eager to give us his side of the story, “Like I said, dude, that Pikachu was egging me on, and I’m trying to catch all of them bastards. All the haters keep saying I’m a shitty DJ, so I’ve gotta be the master of something. People will bow down when I become the ultimate Pokémon GO master. Yeah, everyone will think I’m cool then!”