Angry Feminists Push for Creation of Burning Woman Festival to Rival Burning Man

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In the most unexpected feminist news of the week, angry feminists from around the world have united to create a festival in response to Burning Man. Burning Woman, the proposed name for the aptly named feminist festival, promises to be every bit the rival and equal of the world famous Burning Man Festival.

We were able to steal a few minutes from one of the organizers of the festival, Shelly Brunson, and she didn’t pull any punches, “We’re so fed up with being kept down! The very name of that festival is a testament to just how much work we as feminists still have ahead of us to level the playing field of life. Those sexist, misogynistic assholes over at Burning Man think they offer an escape from reality, but even there, women are forced to live up to impossible sexual expectations and bang at the drop of a hat. Also, the glass ceiling is painfully apparent, as we aren’t even allowed to lead our tribes or run a booth unsupervised. Our festival will offer a real desert oasis that appreciates women in all of her natural beauty, and you won’t believe our response to ‘The Burn.’”

One of the founders of Burning Man, Larry Harvey, had the following to say in response to the rival festival, “The notion that women are treated as anything other than our equals and life sisters here is preposterous. Just like out in the real world, we let them do everything that we don’t want to dirty our hands with, but that we know they love and crave on a biological level. They innately want to clean up and take care of us, so who are we to deprive them of that? Those hags behind Burning Woman are probably just mad because they weren’t invited to our legendary sex parties.”

After much prying and asking around, an anonymous source came forward and disclosed to us that instead of the famous ‘Burn,’ Burning Woman’s crowning moment will be ‘The Braid.’ “In this concluding event, women from all around the world will cut off their braided armpit and pubic hair, and we’ll tie our hair into one monster braid as we dance around the fire and sing “Kumbaya.” If that doesn’t get your crotch burning for social change, then you need to check your pulse.”

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Intoxicated Reporter

Intoxicated Reporter

Out-of-control and forever-drugged - reporting every event incorrectly with extreme diligence.